Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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