Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
