I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I am mentally ready for anal.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
