Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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