this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
