Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
