ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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