Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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