just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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