I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
