just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
