There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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