i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
