When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
