So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
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