apparently the secret to your success is patron
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
