Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
