party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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