I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
