I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
