True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
