Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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