It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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