Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
