on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
