remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
