Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
