this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
