all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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