Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
