I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
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Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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