I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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