you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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