I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
