So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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