can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
