My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
