I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
