im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
