i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
