The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
