Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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