I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
