She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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