the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
