i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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