I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
