My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
