i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
