I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
