I want to have your abortion
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This baby is an asshole
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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