I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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