Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
