seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
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Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
His nipple licking is glorious
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