New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
