Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
