i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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