I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
