I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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