I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
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I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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