His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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