i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
