I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
