I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
