I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
