I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
