the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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